How Having a Son Ruined My Life

All I’ve ever wanted is a daughter.

I’ve had dreams of my little girl’s face. I have prayed countless prayers for her and over her. And I have imagined having the type of relationship with my daughter that my mom has with me.

So, when I found out I was pregnant, I had high hopes of it being a girl. But, my husband and I had decided long before we ever even started trying to get pregnant that we would wait to find out the gender until the birth.

While waiting wasn’t easy, it was more than worth it for the moment we shared when the ultimate surprise was revealed.

Since almost nothing about our birth plan went the way we hoped, the one thing we had left was announcing our baby’s gender together. 

You could have heard a pin drop as the doctors and nurses surrounding us during the emergency C-section allowed us to declare “boy” or “girl” as they held our baby up to the plastic curtain separating me and my battle wound.

My husband started laughing and crying as he let me slur out, “It’s a boy!” 

It was the most interesting feeling to utter out the words I had feared saying. How could the words I hoped I wouldn’t have to say become the best words I’ve ever spoken?

The entire 41 weeks of pregnancy left me wondering if the little girl I asked God for would enter my world or if he would “give me exactly what I needed.” Boy was I tired of hearing that Christianese line.

Even in the hours leading up to my delivery, when my mom said she was certain it was a boy, I got so angry and offended. That is not what I wanted at all, so I didn’t want a single person to speak it into existence. 

The truth is: Deep down, I had known all along that I’d have a son. I guess I was in denial. Or maybe I kept hoping I was wrong and I’d be pleasantly surprised by a darling daughter. But my gut told me a little boy was in my future. And I was terrified.

I’ll admit I was worried I wouldn’t want the baby if it was a boy. I was riddled with anxiety that I wouldn’t connect with him and postpartum depression would rear its ugly head, leaving me unattached and disengaged.

I pictured myself disdainfully announcing the gender if it was, in fact, a male.

But God proved to me that our visions of the future are nothing compared to what He has already laid out for us.

The moment my lips declared, “It’s a boy,” my entire life was ruined in the very best way. 

Everything I thought I wanted came crashing down. All my worries and fears were erased in a single second. The eye rolls I gave when people told me I’d get what I needed became tears of joy and gratitude.

I was wrong. I was dead wrong.

There was nothing I needed more than a little boy to love and care for and protect. I needed him so much more than he could ever need me. He had healed parts of me that were so desperate for healing, both physically and mentally. 

God used my son to restore the years the locusts had eaten in more ways than one. (See Joel 2:25)

Something new was born within me as he was born. 

The days that followed were difficult, but he was my constant reminder of God’s faithfulness. 

The weeks that have followed have brought more joy than my heart knew possible. And the thought of him being my daughter instead of my son no longer made any sense.

Rather than being detached or disengaged, I am completely attached to this little man I get to call mine. 

He has helped me fall more in love with his dad. He has revealed what truly matters in this life. He has destroyed my need to please and achieve by simply needing me to cuddle more than my to-do list needs me to tend to it.

He is the answer to the prayers I didn’t know how to pray.

He has ruined my idea of what it means to be successful. He has ruined my perception of what it means to matter. He has ruined so many of the thoughts inside my head that tell me I’m not worthy.

My son has become a tangible expression of God’s love and grace in my life. He is a gift I do not deserve and one I never want to lose. He reminds me of the purpose I have on this earth to see the good and be the good because of Christ in me.

He has ruined every inch of the idea that I can work hard enough to get what I want because I didn’t do a thing to earn this gift that I so desperately needed. 

Having a son ruined every part of my life that needed to be ruined. 

Maybe the phrase, “God doesn’t always give you what you want, but He always gives you what you need,” is worn out and can be questioned and dissected theologically, but it sure rings true when it comes to the one thing I didn’t know to ask for.

I thought I wanted my first child to be a girl, but what I needed was a blue-eyed boy.

In just a few short weeks of life, this boy has changed my world in a million little miraculous ways. And I have a feeling he will change many more lives for the cause of Christ. 

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