A Letter To My Future Husband

I always thought it was so cool when girls would have journals of letters to their future husband.I'm really not sure why I never did it, but the cool thing about starting it now is that I know exactly who he is.The whole thing reminds me of the song "To Whom It May Concern" by one of the best bands ever - The Civil Wars. I used to listen to it in college and cry (I wish I could say that was the only song I cried over, but I am a straight-up sap.) I would cry because I could relate so well.The song says, "I miss you, but I haven't met you." I always loved loved and wanted so badly to find someone who would love me back as big as I loved them - and then I did, and the song had a whole new meaning. I finally had a face to fill in to the gaps where I used to sing and wonder who in the world he was.I'm sure that's what it's like when girls write to their future husbands - imagining his face and his eyes and his personality and his heart. They tell all their secrets and pour out their hearts to the person who will eventually be their safe place.Maybe I never wrote to him because I couldn't imagine him actually being real. I was convinced no one could love me the way I wanted to be loved because I had been hurt so many times. I was always the one who loved the most and always got the bad end of the deal. And I"m so glad I did.Getting hurt so many times and continuing to love so big was such a brave thing for me to do - the world will tell you it's crazy, but it's not - it's brave. If you love like that, YOU ARE BRAVE.Wanna know the best part of being that brave? You'll be rewarded with someone brave enough to love you back like that... and then it all just clicks.So, I guess I'm technically late to the game writing to my future husband, but when am I not late, right?Dear Future Husband,Isn't that weird - "husband?" Husband and wife. What a concept. It's always fun and cute to say, "I'll love you forever," but seriously - we will be loving each other for the rest of our days on earth. How exciting and baffling. I think back to the first few times we were ever around each other and that I had no idea you'd be the man of my prayers. I'm so thankful for God's provision and for Him totally blinding me to what was going on because He knew I'd absolutely ruin it all if it was up to me. (I kind of have a history of that.) So he kept me quiet and allowed me to be totally myself, which is who you said you fell in love with. I have never been very good at loving myself, but you taught me how. You taught me how because you loved the very worst parts of me I tried to hide because I was convinced no one in the world would ever love them. Doesn't everyone deserve that?You actually said just yesterday, "I wish this happiness upon even my least favorite people on the planet." (As if you have any least favorite people.) That pretty much sums you up. You want everyone to have the best, especially me. I'm in constant awe of how highly you think of me, but then I remember you are the one God called to think of me that way and convince me to do the same for myself - and I just know that's what love is all about. You are selfless, you are passionate, you are kind, and you are stubborn and I love all of those things about you - maybe the last one the most because I have to really be on my game to win fights. You make me better just by being around. You make me my best me there's ever been.On my worst days, you make me smile, even if you don't see it. And sometimes I have a lot of those in a row, so it's a pretty amazing feat that you conquer on a regular basis. My heart sinks every time I see pictures of my life before I knew you. I feel sorry for the old me because she lived in a world where there was no you. I hope I never have to live in that world again. I have never met someone who everyone loves so much. They don't just like you - they love you like you are their family. It makes me want to wear a T-Shirt letting everyone know that I get to love you the most and be loved by you the most - but I decided that wouldn't be very humble of me. When life feels like a boxing match, you are always in my corner wiping the sweat off my face and bandaging up all my wounds... and then giving me a really good pep talk. There are people who have that mesmerizing sparkle in their eye that light just kind of dances off of - I'm always so jealous of that because it's so beautiful, and you always have it. It's pretty impressive that your eyes still sparkle even when you're incredibly angry at me. Every time a friend asks me to set them up with someone, I always say, "I really wish I could just set you up with Caleb because I can't think of anyone better." And it's so true - I wish everyone could have someone like you, but I am certainly glad God picked me. There are so many songs and movies and books that have made me cry for so many years because they made me think of who my husband would be and who I would walk toward down the aisle one day - and it was always you. For the past year we have been engaged, I sob every time I picture your face and the way it will look at mine when I start that final walk as your fiance to become your forever wife. Engagement is hard and I know marriage is too, but I think you said it best when you said, "I'd rather go through a lot of valleys with you than live some fake-happy life with anyone else." I'll go through thousands of valleys with you because I know they always lead to the most incredible mountaintops. The day I knew you were my husband is one of my favorite stories to tell. You showed up on my doorstep with my favorite flowers and took me to dinner - the whole nine yards. But my favorite part and the part where I knew was when we talked for hours and told each other everything. You said an old girlfriend broke up with you and you never knew why, and I had to stop myself from blurting out, "Because of me," on our fifth date or so. I knew in that moment God had saved you just for me. I used to just crave to live out a line I think I made up or maybe I read somewhere, "I fell in love fast and slow all at the same time." I tried to force it with so many people but it just always felt like the wind was knocked out of me. This time, everything happened so fast but I felt it all in slow motion and soaked in every second because I knew I'd never want to forget this one. You are, without even trying to be, my dream come true and and answer to the thousands of prayers for a heart to meet mine exactly where it was. Most days, you are more than I think I deserve, but you quickly remind me of how Jesus loves me and that you are right behind Him. Thank you for letting God direct your path and lead you right to me just in time. Thank you for loving me yesterday, today, and for all the tomorrows I'll ever have. My future husband, I can't wait to stumble through all the adventures of life with you right beside me, always keeping me upright, with my head held high. You are my favorite adventure, more breathtaking than any sight I'll ever see, and more fulfilling, too.Thank you forever for being all mine and reminding me of who I am.The song "Ever Be" by Kelly Heiligenthal makes me weep every time I hear the line, "And you will have your bride, free of all her guilt, rid of all her shame, and known by her true name."(Clearly I cry listening to music A LOT.)That line hits me so hard because it's so easy for me to walk in shame and guilt or what other people think or say about me instead of my TRUE name. I am Jesus's bride first, and He rids me of my guilt and shame and gives me the name Daughter. And marriage on earth is just an extension and a symbol of the church being the bride of Christ, so that line becomes two-fold as I say to my husband that he will have me, his bride, free of my guilt and shame and walking in my true name as his sister in Christ and wife on earth because of the way he loves me - and all because He first loved us.I can only hope that I live out the rest of my life as a love letter to my Future Groom and to the one I put a ring on in just a few days.